steve
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Post by steve on Sept 20, 2013 21:08:59 GMT -5
When you buy a box of Ritz crackers, on the back of the box, they have all these suggestions as to what to put on top of the Ritz. "Try it with turkey and cheese. Try it with peanut butter." But I like crackers man, that's why I bought it, 'cause I like crackers! I don't see a suggestion to put a Ritz on top of a Ritz. I didn't buy them because they're little edible plates! You've got no faith in the product itself.
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steve
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Post by steve on Sept 20, 2013 21:09:30 GMT -5
On a traffic light green means 'go' and yellow means 'yield', but on a banana it's just the opposite. Green means 'hold on,' yellow means 'go ahead,' and red means, 'where the hell did you get that banana at?'
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steve
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Post by steve on Sept 20, 2013 21:09:51 GMT -5
Whenever I go to shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving, so I say, "I'm gonna go shave, too."
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steve
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Post by steve on Sept 20, 2013 21:10:07 GMT -5
Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier'n helpin' 'em move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load shit into a truck.
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steve
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Post by steve on Sept 20, 2013 21:10:47 GMT -5
My roommate said to me, 'I'm gonna go shave and use the shower; does anyone need to use the bathroom?' It's like some weird ass quiz where he reveals the answer first.
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steve
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Post by steve on Sept 20, 2013 21:11:14 GMT -5
I bought a $7 pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.
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steve
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Post by steve on Sept 20, 2013 21:11:31 GMT -5
I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.
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steve
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Post by steve on Sept 20, 2013 21:11:47 GMT -5
I hope the next time I move I get a real easy phone number, something that's real easy to remember. Something like two two two two two two two. I would say "Sweet." And then people would say, "Mitch, how do I get a hold of you?" I'd say, "Just press two for a while and when I answer, you will know you have pressed two enough."
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steve
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Post by steve on Sept 20, 2013 21:12:24 GMT -5
I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut. I don't need a receipt for the doughnut. I'll just give you the money, and you give me the doughnut, end of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I just can't imagine a scenario where I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. Some skeptical friend: "Don't even act like I didn't get that doughnut! I got the documentation right here...oh, wait it's at home...in the file...under "D", for "doughnut."
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steve
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Post by steve on Sept 20, 2013 21:19:50 GMT -5
I wonder what the word for dots looks like in Braille.
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steve
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Post by steve on Sept 20, 2013 21:20:08 GMT -5
I was on the street. This guy waved to me, and he came up to me and said, "I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else." And I said, "I am."
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steve
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Post by steve on Sept 20, 2013 21:20:23 GMT -5
Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.
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steve
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Post by steve on Sept 20, 2013 21:20:48 GMT -5
My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal.
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Steve
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Post by Steve on Sept 20, 2013 21:20:52 GMT -5
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steve
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Post by steve on Sept 20, 2013 21:21:19 GMT -5
A lot of people don't like bumper stickers. I don't mind bumper stickers. To me a bumper sticker is a shortcut. It's like a little sign that says "Hey, let's never hang out."
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steve
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Post by steve on Sept 20, 2013 21:21:35 GMT -5
I think it's interesting that 'cologne' rhymes with 'alone.'
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steve
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Post by steve on Sept 20, 2013 21:21:52 GMT -5
A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive. "Dude, make a left." "Those are trees. Trust me."
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Steve
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Post by Steve on Sept 20, 2013 21:22:02 GMT -5
is it sunday yet?
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steve
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Post by steve on Sept 20, 2013 21:22:08 GMT -5
I noticed that there are no B batteries. I think that's to avoid confusion, 'cause if there were you wouldn't know if someone was stuttering. "Yes, hello I'd like some B-batteries." "What kind?" "B-batteries." "What kind?" "B-batteries!" and D-batteries that's hard for foreigners. "Yes, I would like de batteries."
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steve
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Post by steve on Sept 20, 2013 21:22:24 GMT -5
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Post by steve on Sept 20, 2013 21:23:02 GMT -5
I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said "Happy Birthday" on it. I didn't want to waste it so I just wrote "Jesus" on it.
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Steve
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Post by Steve on Sept 20, 2013 21:23:17 GMT -5
Steve, my point was...can we get to Sunday so we can watch BB!!!
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steve
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Post by steve on Sept 20, 2013 21:23:23 GMT -5
My friend had a burrito. The next day he said, "That burrito did not agree with me." I was like, 'was the disagreement over whether or not you'd have diarrhea? Let me guess who won.' "I tried to reason with it, I insisted, you know. I was like, 'I wanna go outside, I like these pants, but the burrito had his way."
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Steve
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Post by Steve on Sept 20, 2013 21:23:32 GMT -5
CmoN!
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steve
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Post by steve on Sept 20, 2013 21:23:40 GMT -5
Steve, my point was...can we get to Sunday so we can watch BB!!! I KNOW
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