steve
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Post by steve on Sept 20, 2013 20:31:58 GMT -5
To the people in the bathroom: How's it going in there?
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steve
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Post by steve on Sept 20, 2013 20:32:18 GMT -5
If I had a dollar for every time I said that, I'd be making money in a very weird way.
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steve
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Post by steve on Sept 20, 2013 20:32:46 GMT -5
I had a piece of Carefree Sugarless gum and I was still worried. It never kicked in, I took it back to the store and said "Bullshit!"
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steve
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Post by steve on Sept 20, 2013 20:33:02 GMT -5
The number one cause of alcoholic relapse in winged insects is being trapped in a pint glass with an ashtray.
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steve
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Post by steve on Sept 20, 2013 20:33:18 GMT -5
I have a vest. If I had my arms cut off, it would be a jacket.
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steve
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Post by steve on Sept 20, 2013 20:33:56 GMT -5
A burrito is a sleeping bag for ground beef.
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steve
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Post by steve on Sept 20, 2013 20:34:16 GMT -5
I went to a record store, they said they specialized in hard-to-find records. Nothing was alphabetized.
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steve
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Post by steve on Sept 20, 2013 20:34:33 GMT -5
Here's a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.
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steve
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Post by steve on Sept 20, 2013 20:34:51 GMT -5
I saw a sheet lying on the floor, it must have been a ghost that had passed out... So I kicked it.
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steve
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Post by steve on Sept 20, 2013 20:35:14 GMT -5
If I was on death row and given one last meal I would ask for a fortune cookie. "Come on 'long prosperous life!'"
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steve
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Post by steve on Sept 20, 2013 20:35:35 GMT -5
My manager saw me drinking backstage and he said "Mitch, don't use liquor as a crutch." I can't use liquor as a crutch, because a crutch helps me walk. Liquor severely fucks up the way I walk. It ain't like a crutch, it's like a step I didn't see.
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steve
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Post by steve on Sept 20, 2013 20:47:28 GMT -5
I like wearing necklaces, because it lets me know when I'm upside down.
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steve
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Post by steve on Sept 20, 2013 20:47:49 GMT -5
I saw a commercial on late night TV, it said,"Forget everything you know about slipcovers." So I did. And it was a load off my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell me slipcovers, and I didn't know what the hell they were.
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steve
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Post by steve on Sept 20, 2013 20:48:04 GMT -5
I like rice. Rice is great when you're hungry and you want 2,000 of something.
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steve
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Post by steve on Sept 20, 2013 20:48:42 GMT -5
I was walking down the street the other day when this guy asked if I wanted a frozen banana...I said 'no' but then thought I might want a regular banana later, so...yeah.
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steve
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Post by steve on Sept 20, 2013 20:48:59 GMT -5
They say Flintstones vitamins are chewable. All vitamins are chewable, it's just that they taste shitty. I'm glad they made Flintstones vitamins because I used to watch The Flintstones and go, "Man I bet you if I ate that dude, I would be healthy."
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steve
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Post by steve on Sept 20, 2013 20:50:47 GMT -5
If I worked at a store and a duck came in I would like just give him some bread-- "sure man no problem-- tell your friends"--- but I would not give him Pepperidge Farm bread....You know that stuff right? you open it and it still ain't open. That is why I do not buy it. Cause I do not need another step, between me and toast."
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steve
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Post by steve on Sept 20, 2013 20:51:23 GMT -5
You know when a coupon wants to use letters in their phone number to be catchy? But often times they use too many letters. "Give us a call down here at 1-800-I-Really-Enjoy-Carpeting." It's too many letters, man. "Hello?" "Hold on, I'm only on 'Enjoy'! How did you know I was calling? I can see why they hired you!"
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steve
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Post by steve on Sept 20, 2013 20:51:55 GMT -5
I saw a lady on T.V. She was born without arms. Literally, she was born with her hands attached to her shoulders... and that was sad, but then they said, "Lola does not know the meaning of the word 'can't.'" And that to me was kinda worse... in a way... ya know? Not only does she not have arms, but she doesn't understand simple contractions. It's very simple, Lola, you just take two words, you put them together, then you take out the middle letter, you put a comma in there and you raise it up!
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steve
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Post by steve on Sept 20, 2013 20:52:12 GMT -5
A fly was very close to being called a "land," cause that's what they do half the time.
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Birdie Sanders
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Post by Birdie Sanders on Sept 20, 2013 20:52:26 GMT -5
Hmm
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steve
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Post by steve on Sept 20, 2013 20:53:00 GMT -5
I would imagine that the inside of a bottle of cleaning fluid is... fucking... clean.
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steve
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Post by steve on Sept 20, 2013 20:53:34 GMT -5
I'm an ice sculptor - last night I made a cube.
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steve
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Post by steve on Sept 20, 2013 20:53:50 GMT -5
My belt holds up my pants and my pants have belt loops that hold up the belt. What the fuck’s really goin on down there? Who is the real hero?
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steve
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Post by steve on Sept 20, 2013 20:54:30 GMT -5
My girl works at Hooters, in the kitchen.
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