steve
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Post by steve on Sept 20, 2013 20:54:55 GMT -5
Steam rollers run shit over to make sure it's good. Like if they want to test a product, they'll run over it with a steam roller. How do you know the steam roller's good? Who ran over the steam roller?
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steve
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Post by steve on Sept 20, 2013 20:55:15 GMT -5
Lull is one letter away from being four L's in a... aw fuck. I thought I had a concept there, but then I realized, no, you do not.
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steve
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Post by steve on Sept 20, 2013 20:55:32 GMT -5
I wanna get a job naming kitchen appliance. Seems like the easiest job ever. You know, refrigerator, toaster, blender...you just say what the thing does and then you add '-er'. Kitchen Appliance Naming Institute. "What's this do?" "It keeps shit fresh." "Well, that's a 'fresher'. I'm going on break."
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steve
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Post by steve on Sept 20, 2013 20:55:59 GMT -5
I love sandwiches. Sandwiches are easy to eat, but I hate sandwiches at New York delis; too much fuckin' meat on the sandwich. It's like a cow with a cracker on either side. Walk in, order a pastrami sandwich. "Alright, anything else?" Yeah, a loaf of bread and some other people! "What kinda bread?" Rye. No, fuck, banana. You got banana bread back there? "What kinda cheese?" Cottage. "Get the fuck out! I'm not makin' a banana bread, pastrami, cottage cheese sandwich! That would severely ruin my reputation!"
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steve
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Post by steve on Sept 20, 2013 20:57:01 GMT -5
I don't have any children, but if I had a baby, I would have to name it so I'd buy a baby naming book. Or I would invite somebody over who had a cast on.
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steve
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Post by steve on Sept 20, 2013 20:57:16 GMT -5
I don't have a microwave oven, but I do have a clock that occasionally cooks shit.
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steve
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Post by steve on Sept 20, 2013 20:57:40 GMT -5
I walked into Target, but I missed. I think the entrance to Target should have people splattered all around. And, when I finally get in, the guy says, "Can I help you?" "Just practicing."
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steve
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Post by steve on Sept 20, 2013 20:58:01 GMT -5
I can't tell you what hotel I'm stayin' in, but there are 2 trees involved. They said, "Let's call this hotel 'Something Tree'". So they had a meeting, it was...it was quite short. "How 'bout 'Tree'?" "No." "'Double Tree'?" "Hell, yeah! Meeting adjourned!" Well, I had my heart set on 'Quadruple Tree'...and we were almost there!
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steve
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Post by steve on Sept 20, 2013 20:58:22 GMT -5
I got so much tartar, I don't have to dip my fishsticks in shit! That's, that's actually kind of gross, you know? After that joke, I always clarify that I'm just jokin'. I do not know how much tartar I actually have. I believe it's the average amount. If we all took a tartar test right now, my name would be right in the fuckin' middle.
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steve
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Post by steve on Sept 20, 2013 20:59:25 GMT -5
I think they could take sesame seeds off the market and I wouldn't even care. I can't imagine 5 years from now, saying, "Damn, remember sesame seeds? What happened? All the buns are blank! They're gonna have to change that McDonald's song: 'Two all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions, on a... bun.' How's a sesame seed stick to a bun? That's fuckin' magical! There's got to be some sesame seed glue out there! Either that, or they're adhesive on one side. "Take the sesame seed out, remove the backing, place it on the bun. Now your bun will look spectacular." What does a sesame seed grow into? I don't know, we never gave them a chance! What the fuck is a sesame? It's a street...it's a way to open shit!
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steve
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Post by steve on Sept 20, 2013 21:01:08 GMT -5
By the way, you don't have to be sweaty and holding a basketball to enjoy a Gatorade. You could just be...a thirsty dude! Gatorade forgets about this demographic!
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Steve
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Post by Steve on Sept 20, 2013 21:02:07 GMT -5
Steve, you makin progress!?
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steve
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Post by steve on Sept 20, 2013 21:03:23 GMT -5
I met a girl who works at the Double Tree front desk, she gave me her phone number. It's zero. I tried to call her from here and some other woman answered. I said: "You sound older!"
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steve
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Post by steve on Sept 20, 2013 21:03:38 GMT -5
Steve, you makin progress!? almost halfway
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Steve
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Posts: 39,107
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Post by Steve on Sept 20, 2013 21:04:01 GMT -5
Damn...you got this!
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steve
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Post by steve on Sept 20, 2013 21:04:38 GMT -5
oh shit i'm over halfway
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steve
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Post by steve on Sept 20, 2013 21:05:22 GMT -5
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
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steve
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Post by steve on Sept 20, 2013 21:05:39 GMT -5
I was gonna get a candy bar; the button I was supposed to push was "HH", so I went to the side, I found the "H" button, I pushed it twice. Fuckin'...potato chips came out, man, because they had an "HH" button for Christ's sake! You need to let me know. I'm not familiar with the concept of "HH". I did not learn my AA-BB-CC's. God god, dammit dammit.
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steve
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Post by steve on Sept 20, 2013 21:05:56 GMT -5
Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. "Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way."
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steve
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Post by steve on Sept 20, 2013 21:06:51 GMT -5
So I wish I could play little league now, I'd kick some fuckin' ass.
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steve
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Post by steve on Sept 20, 2013 21:07:11 GMT -5
I wrote a script and gave it to a guy that reads scripts. And he read it and said he really likes it, but he thinks I need to rewrite it. I said, "Fuck that, I'll just make a copy."
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steve
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Post by steve on Sept 20, 2013 21:07:29 GMT -5
My apartment is infested with koala bears. Its the cutest infestation ever. Much better than cockroaches. I turn the lights on and a bunch of koala bears scatter. I'm like, hey, hold on fellas! Lemme hold one of you, and feed you a leaf. Koalas, they're so fucking cute, why do they gotta be so far away from me. They should ship a few over, and I will apprehend one...and hold him...and pet him on the back of his head.
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steve
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Post by steve on Sept 20, 2013 21:08:05 GMT -5
This shirt is "dry-clean only"...which means it's dirty.
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steve
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Post by steve on Sept 20, 2013 21:08:23 GMT -5
I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry, and that's extra scary to me. There's a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. Run, he's fuzzy, get out of here.
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steve
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Post by steve on Sept 20, 2013 21:08:38 GMT -5
This is what my friend said to me; he said, "Guess what I like? Mashed potatoes." It's like,"Dude. you gotta give me time to guess. If you're gonna quiz me, you must insert a pause in there."
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